Artemis Fowl and Teh Scroll of Doom
by Darth Maximus
Summary: Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it’s the fairies who kidnapped him!
1. Prologue: Meet the Characters

_**Artemis Fowl and teh Scroll of Doom**_

**Disclaimer:** I own teh Scroll of Doom, nothing else. ;)

**Summary: **Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it's the fairies who kidnapped him!

**A/N:** My first AF fanfic, intended for humorous purposes only.

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Prologue: Meet the Characters.**

"Holly!"

Holly spun around to the source of the voice, and came face to face to a screen showing one particular centaur's face.

"Holly, Julius wants you at the Police Plaza now. Apparently, it's an 'urgent' matter," Foaly spoke smugly. Holly belted on her Neutrino 3000 and promptly tripped over her sofa.

"Great, just great," she muttered sarcastically. She turned off the screen and exited the house.

* * *

"Gentlemen," LEPrecon Commander Julius Root began. "We believe there is reason to take a particular Mud Boy and use him to suit our needs."

Chaos ensued.

"WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!"

"HUH?"

"WHAAAA ?"

Foaly snorted.

Julius Root sighed. He had expected something like this. He took a deep breath, and continued.

"Major Trouble Kelp, Major Maxwell Pork, Captain Holly Short, Captain Tobias Heater, Corporal Douglas Fishe, Corporal Jashin Fugly and a Retrieval Squad will kidnap an Artemis Fowl for our intents and purposes," he said in one breath. Six faces looked at him with strange expressions on their faces. Root reddened.

"FINE. I'll tell you why we need the Mud Boy. He has shown remarkable genius at the tender age of two months, saying his first word, 'Artemisrules.'"

Maxwell interrupted him.

"Isn't that two words?" he queried. Julius nodded his head sagely as Foaly snickered.

"What old Julie here is trying to say, is that the Council thinks that if this Fowl works with _moi,_ and my supreme intellect, we shall be able to find the legendary _Scroll of Dooooom!"_ Foaly explained as if talking to three year olds.

"Don't call me Ju-"

"The Scroll of Doom?" Tobias interrupted Julius' protests. Foaly rolled his eyes and stamped his feet in mock anger.

"No no, not the Scroll of Doom, but the legendary _Scroll of Dooooom!"_ he struck a pose. This time, all members rolled their eyes at Foaly's stupidity.

"Who exactly agrees to this mission?" Douglas asked suspiciously. Julius, attempting to regain his dignity, replied.

"We have the full approval of the Council with the go-ahead," he replied with supreme satisfaction, but that look fell when Jashin put her hands on her hips.

"When exactly are we leaving?" she said ominously, with a murderous look. If looks could kill, then Julius Root would be eating a pork. What? No!

"When exactly are we leaving?" she said ominously, with a murderous look aimed at Julius. Julius shivered. Wing Commander Vinyàya chose that moment to enter the room.

"You will be leaving in approximately..." she checked her watch. "In five seconds."

Chaos ensued.

Nonononono...wait..Chaos didn't ensue!

"Wait a moment," she said. "My watch appears to be malfunctioning. Foaaaly!!"

She regained her serious look.

"Foaly will suit you up with all the equipment and will debrief you on what you need to do," she continued. "Good luck."

With that, she left the room with Julius running after her with a bouquet of roses, leaving the stunned elves with Foaly.

"Excellent, excellent," Foaly murmured, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Meet your newest friend, the invention 'Pogo Stick v2'.

* * *

**A/N:** Like it? Hate it? Please let me know! I love clicking blue buttons too!! hugs


	2. Chapter 1: Kidnap

_**Artemis Fowl and teh Scroll of Doom**_

**Disclaimer:** Minion Secretary slaps you across the face.

"Darth Maximus doesn't own Arty!" she snaps at you.

**Summary: **Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it's the fairies who kidnapped him!

**A/N:** Hope you enjoy this chapter! Love you lots :)

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter One: Kidnap**

"Foaly...somehow I really doubt we will be using Pogo Sticks," Tobias Heater muttered flatly. Foaly shook his head, bubbling with excitement.

"Oh, no you don't," he cried with glee. "The Pogo Stick v2 is a complete misnomer. It is quite like our cam foil, except for the fact that it allows you to leap about quite high." Maxwell rolled his eyes.

"Not a complete misnomer then," he noted. Foaly scowled at him, before handing the six various helmets, suits and 'The Pogo Stick v2'.

"As Wing Commander Vinyàya said, you will be leaving quite soon," Foaly explained as he shoved them forwards. "Look, here's your ship. It's the newest to date, invention of yours truly. Its name is 'The Death Mobile'" Foaly grinned, showing his teeth as he opened the door and gestured grandly.

"Have a nice trip!" he waved as the ship departed with a splash. A full five minutes later, he was still waving at the now-invisible ship.

* * *

Angeline Fowl smiled angelically down onto her son, Artemis Fowl the Second. Tickling him slightly, she blew a burp at Artemis' stomach.

"Bub, bub, bub," she crooned at Artemis.

"Cut it out, Mother," he snapped frostily at her. "It tickles." Angeline did a double take.

"Huh?" she mouthed in disbelief. Artemis rolled his eyes at her.

"Just because I'm little doesn't mean I'm stupid," Artemis explained like he was the adult, instead of the baby. Angeline made a very theatrical gasp.

"I think I'm having hallucinations.." she said faintly, and collapsed onto the floor shortly after depositing Artemis on the bed.

"Great," Artemis said to himself. "Now I have no intelligent conversation at all, apart from that huge insect over there that will probably bite me in the next twenty seconds." So preoccupied was he in his thoughts that he did not notice a few stray shadows tip-toeing around Fowl Manor's gates.

* * *

"So what was the plan again?" Douglas Fishe complained as he lowered his visor.

"Shut up!" Jashin snapped at him. If looks could kill, then one Douglas Fishe would be eating a ham sandwich..

What? No! The above you have just read is a complete lie. I think.

"Shut up!" Jashin snapped at him. Douglas Fishe rolled his eyes. Trouble intervened in between the quarrellers.

"Guys, guys, the plan is to get the baby and leave," he said. "We'll just use the Pogo Stick's invisibility and leap through the kid's window. No harm done, and in the unlikely circumstance that we _are_ found we can wipe them. Foaly gave me this cool mind-wiper. He calls it...'The Mind Wipe of Doom!'" Maxwell Pork, who was standing with Holly and Tobias, devising a plan, shook his head with a smile.

"I damn well hope this place isn't too troublesome," Tobias muttered. "We've wasted enough time already. Can we get on with it?" Maxwell and Holly nodded their heads in agreement and readied their Pogo Sticks. Maxwell slapped his visor on.

"On my mark," he whispered into his microphone. "Go!"

There were six simultaneous bounces of the Pogo Stick as the team launched themselves into the bedroom of Angeline and Artemis the First.

* * *

George Rollasonnè reclined on his sofa. Life was good. So was cheese. He took a swig of banana smoothie and sat up. George was a strange being, actually. The entire right side of his hair was spiked and of a neon pink colour, and the left side was curly and neon yellow. He had a French moustache and was determined to have his way. His way, was to have the whole of Haven under his control. However, it seemed no one took him seriously.

Probably because, George Rollasonnè was a pixie.

Not just any pixie. _The_ pixie of Doom. Well actually, George was a megalomaniac who was trying to gain ultimate control over Haven, and ultimately, the fairies. All with the help of a particular Scroll of Doom. It was rumoured that teh Scroll of Doom would grant the user the ultimate power of Lord Maximus Frond MCCCXXXVII, an elf who was supremely powerfully powerful. George started to daydream, thinking about cookies. Just as George started to slip into blissful sleep, there was a knock on the door. George bounded up and rushed to the door.

"Edwina!" George cried gleefully. "I have a brand new plan, come in, come in. I'll show you the whole thing!"

* * *

"So, um, what are we actually going to do with the kid?" Douglas Fishe asked. "I mean, he's a Mud Boy. Won't he be just a bit...um... conspicuous?" Holly twisted around.

"We're just the escort," she said. "Leave it to the Council to do what they want with the little kid." Jashin nodded approvingly at her. The fairies had managed to extract Artemis Fowl the Second without too much trouble. Trouble, of course, being a few security alarms, bells ringing everywhere, a noisy jet nearly crashing into Fowl Manor...those kinds of things. Nothing major.

"We're going to be reaching Haven in a matter of minutes," Maxwell reported from the pilot seat. "Behave yourselves," he growled at Jashin and Douglas, who were locked in a glaring contest. All three of them were interrupted by a small voice near the back.

"Where the hell are we?" Artemis Fowl demanded, rubbing his eyes of sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** Hehe, cliffhanger for you. Please review! Blue buttons down there are there for that sole purpose, you know.


	3. Chapter 2: What the Hell?

_**Artemis Fowl and teh Scroll of Doom**_

**Disclaimer:** As much as I wish he was, Arty is not mine :'(

**Summary: **Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it's the fairies who kidnapped him!

**A/N:** Chapter Three! Chapter Three! Re! View! :D

'nuff of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Two: What the Heck?**

Silence.

Complete silence.

Silence permeated the shuttle as all six pairs of eyes swivelled to two-month old Artemis Fowl the Second.

"Did you just say something?" Jashin Fugly spoke into the silence. All eyes rolled to her.

"I'm right here, you know," Artemis said, annoyed. Immediately, there was complete shock on all faces.

"WHAT?!" Douglas Fishe had jumped from his seat. "It's a freaking two-month baby speaking to us!" Maxwell rolled his eyes.

"Truth be told, I'm not surprised the Foaly picked this kid. After all, he only settles for complete genius," he said quietly.

"This is insanity," Douglas Fishe wailed and ran into the bathroom. Retching was heard. A voice from up ahead spoke.

"Guys, we're here. Let's get this little bundle of mud to Foaly, okay?" Trouble's slightly hysterical voice spoke. The fairies quietly left the ship. Before they knew it, they were face-to-face with Foaly, Root and Vinyayà.

"Welcome back home, fairies!" Foaly was bouncing up and down. "Do you have the kid?"

Maxwell rolled his eyes at Holly, who was holding Artemis.

"I'm right here," Artemis said stiffly. "And I really want to know where the hell I am, and what I am doing here with apparently...fairies." Foaly glanced at the others in surprise, then took Artemis from Holly.

"Hey! What are you- what?! Hey! Get off me!" Artemis squirmed as Foaly attempted to take him indoors. Max flipped his hands at Foaly.

"Rejected," he joked, and then turned around and left. Most of the others left as well, wanting to get home quickly. Holly turned around as she was about to leave.

"Foaly, we're going to be using these Pogo Sticks later on, aren't we," she stated. Foaly looked from the still squirming Artemis to Holly.

"Oh, you will, yes you will, yes, yes!" he cackled. "Moohahahaha!" Holly turned around and sprinted home. Finally, there was only Jashin left.

"Foaly. There are going to be more missions concerning the baby, right?" she asked Foaly. It seemed more like a statement than a question. Foaly, suddenly looking very uncomfortable was at a loss for words. Vinyayà saved him. We think.

"There will be indeed, Corporal Jashin Fugly," she said. "The reason we captured Artemis was to put him and Foaly together, to find the location of teh Scroll of Doom." Jashin narrowed her eyes at Root, who was standing next to Foaly, very silent in a hope that Jashin would not notice him.

Unlucky, of course.

"Commander," she said frostily. "Why are we trying to find this 'teh Scroll of Doom'?"

Root shifted. Vinyayà interceded yet again.

"Well, according to the legends, Lord Maximus Frond MCCCXXXVII was a very powerful elf, living for a long time, doing various impossibly good deeds. He was a very benign ruler, and had few enemies. However, there was a very powerful man called Court Jester Georgio Rollasonnè. He was hungry for Maximus' fame, power and wealth and attempted to assassinate him many times. Maximus very regretfully killed Georgio, and then, feeling a rather guilty conscience, wrote a scroll, naming it 'Teh Scroll of Doom'. In this Scroll he poured his secrets, his power, his very core. He was apparently in his palace library. The librarian found him, lying there, with a faintly glowing Scroll. There was a message for her, as if Maximus had already known she would find him first. The letter instructed her to hide the Scroll in a very safe place mentioned, so safe that no one knows what it is, or where it is. Maximus called it 'The Potato Fur Place'. Anyhoo, the librarian tied the scroll up and hid it in that place, and now no one knows where it is."

Jashin looked at her incredulously.

"What the hell?!"

Multiple cartoon punching and kicking sounds drifted through the open doors of Police Plaza.

* * *

Lord Maximus Frond MCCCXXXVII looked up from his report of criminal activity in Atlantis. A man stood in the door, holding a very long parchment. So long was it, in fact, that it overflowed from the man's arms onto the floor, and out the door.

"Come in, Georgio," he waved the man in. Georgio stepped out from the shadows and bowed low.

"Court Jester Georgio Rollasonnè, my Lord," Georgio stated. "Here is a report of deaths in Atlantis this year."

Maximus took the overflowing parchment from Georgio. Georgio smiled bitterly at Maximus, then left the room. There was one letter on the sheet: 0.

"You could have made the paper a bit shorter," he called out to Georgio, who was already outside the palace.

* * *

**A/N:** A small view into Maximus Frond's world. Hope you like it!

PS: Review!

PPS: Review!

PPPS: Review!

PPPPS: Review!

PPPPPS: Please?


	4. Chapter 3: George's Plan

_**Artemis Fowl and teh Scroll of Doom**_

**Disclaimer:** Tinky Winky, Dipsey, Lala, Po. Teletubbies, teletubbies, Oooooo Hewwo!!

Oh, and I don't own Artemis Fowl.

**Summary: **Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it's the fairies who kidnapped him!

**A/N:** Next!

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Three: George's Plan.**

"You see, Edwina! This plan will work perfectly!" Georgio exclaimed over 'the Plan'. "Look, the fairies have already taken the Mud Baby, Artemis Fowl the Second. Excellent! Now, the plan will come into fruit!"

"Fruition," Edwina corrected. "But this Scroll, you are sure it will release Frond's powers? How can this Scroll be so cleverly hidden?" Georgio shrugged.

"Unfortunately, Maximus Frond MCCCXXXVII was a smart guy," he explained. "But fortunately for us, we have the Mud Baby. The Plan will work perfectorily!"

"Perfectly..."

"Of course, Edwina my dear."

_Ten years later..._

"You're WHAT?!" Maxwell Pork yelled at a shamefaced Julius Root. Characteristically, Root was red with shame.

"I'm sorry, Pork," he said. "But you have to do it. No other officers except you four are available and capable of this task."

"What happened to everyone else?" Jashin glared meanly at Root. "Did you send them on another life-threatening mission?"

"Jashin, all missions around here are life-threatening," mumbled Douglas Fishe. Jashin turned 'the Stare' on him. He shrugged helplessly.

"What?"

"I think the point is, we're not going to take the Fowl boy on the mission," Tobias said seriously. "I may not like Mud Men, but Frond's sake, the boy is ten years old. Why now?" Root scrubbed a hand in his hair, which was turning a delicate shade of red.

"One word. George Rollasonnè," he explained. Or tried to.

"Isn't that two words?" came the reply of all four. Root glared at them.

"George Rollasonnè is a descendant of the court jester of Maximus Frond MCCCXXXVII, Georgio Rollasonnè. We have bugged George's apartment. He has a girlfriend by the name of Edwina, and the two of them are plotting revenge against the whole of Haven, who aided Atlantis in the epic War of the Banana. George has spoken of a Plan, but not in detail. We believe he wants to use Artemis to find teh Scroll of Doom," he said in one breath.

"How would he capture Artemis," Douglas scoffed. "We have him under top security and 24/7 surveillance."

Suddenly, an officer rushed into the room.

"Artemis Fowl has disappeared!" he said breathlessly.

Chaos ensued.

**(A/N: I should end it here, but noooo, I'm too nice.)**

"WHAT?!" Root's eyes bugged out rather comically. "How did he get out?!" the officer quailed under Root's menacing stare.

"Sir, the surveillance cameras show George Rollasonnè grinning and waving at _the hidden cameras_. We suspect an inside officer!"

There were gasps around the room.

"Impossible," Maxwell muttered.

"Quite," Douglas Fishe agreed.

"Stupid," Tobias said between clenched teeth.

"Shut up!" Jashin Fugly glared at them all.

"I think we need to look at the surveillance camera video footage."

* * *

"Impossible!" cried Douglas. "How on Frond did George manage to kidnap the boy? Why, he's only a barmy pixie!"

"I believe it was with the help of an insider," Maxwell explained gravely. "But we have no idea who it could have been." Jashin Fugly shook her head.

"Only a few people knew where Artemis was," she said thoughtfully. "No one else had the security clearance." Tobias nodded his head.

"I agree," he agreed. "But we need to know who exactly was authorised to know of Fowl's whereabouts."

Julius slapped a sheet of paper onto the table. Maxwell picked it up.

"Julius Root, Foaly, Maxwell Pork, Tobias Heater, Douglas Fishe, Jashin Fugly and George Rollasonnè are authorised to know of one Artemis Fowl's whereabouts," he read. "Wait a moment- how did Rollasonnè get on that list?!" Douglas Fishe reached forwards and snatched the paper from Maxwell's hands.

"What the Jashin?!" he exclaimed. "Who put him on there?!" Julius tried to take the paper from Douglas, but ended up ripping it instead.

"Good one," Tobias mumbled. Jashin simply glared at Root, who turned beet red. Not surprising. He stood up.

"Well, you'll have to find Fowl," he said. "George will probably have already set him hard at work to find where teh Scroll is. Raid Rollasonnè's various homes. And I will fix up this stupid security leak." The four LEP officers stood up, and left. After a few minutes, Root left as well, muttering something about stupid mistakes in the system.

* * *

Artemis groaned as the world blurred back into shape. He appeared to be sitting in a bedroom. Standing up at once, he tried the door, which was locked for obvious reasons. He then looked through the windows. Barred. This person was thorough. Then, the door knob slowly turned and the door creaked inwards.

"Why hello, Arty!" came the squawk of George Rollasonnè. Some things never change. Artemis looked taken aback. "I want you to figure out the location of teh Scroll of Doom! That's all I wanted to say." With that, George exited the door. There was a sound of multiple locks being drawn outside.

* * *

**A/N:** Like it? Hate it? Whatever you do, click that blue button downstairs!


	5. Chapter 4: Escape from Hell

_**Artemis Fowl and teh Scroll of Doom**_

**Disclaimer:** Explodicus Testicullus. Oh, and I don't own Artemis Fowl.

**Summary: **Uproar! Artemis Fowl, aged two months has been kidnapped! No ransom demand has come through; it is as if he has disappeared without a trace. But deep underground..a deep secret- Bah, fine, it's the fairies who kidnapped him!

**A/N:** Another chapter...

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Four: Escape From Hell**

"Well? Have you found the location of teh Scroll of Doom yet?" George asked impatiently as he sat down next to Artemis. Artemis glared at him.

"I don't even know anything about this scroll," he scowled. "And I don't have anywhere to start, anyway. How the heck am I supposed to find it?" George grinned and held up a map and Mud Man laptop, placing them on the desk carefully.

"With these, you can do anything!" he exclaimed, and stood up, heading for the door. "I'll leave you to it then. Toodles!"

With that, the door clanged shut again, leaving a very pensive Artemis alone in his room. He scooted over to the laptop and opened it, a thoughtful smile playing along his features.

_Anything, he said,_ Artemis thought. _What about escape?_

**

* * *

  
**

"Well? Have you found anything on Artemis yet?" Root paced the length of the room, his face screwed up in concentration as he chewed his fungus cigar.

"We have a possible fix on Rollasonnè," Tobias Heater volunteered. He spread out along the table a map. "I believe he is here, in his most used home."

"Well you'd think that would be obvious," Jashin exploded, shaking her finger in Tobias' face. "Now how are we going to get there?"

**

* * *

  
**

"Right, so explain to me how this works again, Foaly?" Maxwell asked, strapping on his Koboi Double Dex and massaging his shoulder blades. Foaly grimaced, and then sighed, muttering about unappreciated genius, along with several other choice words.

"You flick this switch here, and it will pinpoint Artemis' location for you. After that you just have to follow it to him." He handed Maxwell the device, which looked suspiciously like those Mud Man GPS systems.

"These things here will explode upon impact after someone throws it at above one hundred kilometres per second. I'm sorry about the extreme speed you'll have to throw it at, but I haven't had time to fine tune the devices." A small reel of what looked like stones was handed to Maxwell as well, who gingerly accepted them as if they would blow up at any second.

"So, you guys, ready to go yet?" Douglas piped up, a big grin on his face. Tobias sighed as he turned around from his own equipment.

"This has got to be the most stupid assignment I've ever been on," he mumbled to Maxwell as he passed him.

Maxwell couldn't help but nod his agreement.

**

* * *

  
**

Maxwell cast a cursory glance at the rather impressive manor before shielding and activating his wings. Most fairies could spot the small shimmering that gave away a shielded fairy, but knowing George, he would have hired the most stupid fairies who couldn't tell the difference between a needle and a match stick.

"Alright, let's go," he whispered, and slipped on his visor, ignoring a nervous fart that emitted from Douglas.

**

* * *

  
**

"There's no one upstairs," Douglas reported to Maxwell. "He should be underground in the basement or something, then."

Maxwell nodded, and turned around, gliding down the stairs silently.

"I've found it!" he called, and pointed over to a door that was covered with an assortment of unique and antique locks and bolts. Unshielding, he took out one of the explosive charges and walked a few paces away from the door.

"Are you sure that's going to work?" Jashin asked, doubtfully eyeing the small explosive.

"It will," Maxwell assured her, hefting the device to his shoulder and taking a classic baseball pitching stance. "If I throw it fast enough."

He threw with all his might, and the small pellet flew from his hand, hitting the door with a solid _thunk._ It clattered to the ground, useless.

"D'Arvit!" he swore, and grabbed the device again. A small digital face read, _99.9 km/h._

"Let me try," Jashin offered, and accepted the mini-bomb. She took the place of Maxwell and threw it. This time however, instead of clattering to the floor, it stayed there for a second, before there was a huge explosion, ripping the door off its hinges.

"I daresay that worked," Tobias muttered, wiping soot off his visor. Douglas peered into the room.

"There's no one in here," he said dismally, holding back a sob. Tobias scratched his head in confusion. Maxwell tapped his chin in thought. Douglas ate a fish. Jashin scowled at all three of them.

"Maxwell, open up your tracking device for Frond's sake," she growled dangerously, fingering her Neutrino.

"Okay, okay!" Maxwell exclaimed hurriedly, and fished out the tracking device. He flicked the switch, and the digital screen came alive.

"Hmmmm, well...this thing says that Artemis is right next to me," he mumbled in confusion, and passed the device to Jashin.

"What the Jashin...?" she mused. Suddenly, with a flourish, Artemis dropped from where he was holding onto the ceiling with Velcro (for George had a Velcro ceiling for some odd reason) and took a short bow.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen," he smiled.

"How did you get those?" Douglas asked, pointing at the Velcro straps attached to Artemis' hands and feet.

"Oh, well, I downloaded them off eBay," he said absently, scratching the back of his neck. Maxwell and Jashin shared a look.

The five of them started to head back up stairs, but were interrupted by a slow, not to mention stupid sounding, drawl.

"Where do you think you're going?" George demanded. He pressed a button from a remote control in his hand, and Artemis went zooming across the air to land awkwardly on his feet next to George.

George smiled, and then waved at the four LEP operatives.

"Bye!" he grinned toothily as he and Artemis disappeared in a puff of smoke. There was silence for a few moments.

"Oh, d'Arvit."

**

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**A/N: **Like? Hate? Review!


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